My date from hell with someone from the NFL.

I have dated a lot. Sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of loneliness and sometimes I just wanted to go out and get free drinks. Does that sound bad? I used to think I should feel guilty, until I actually went out with some of these people…. I was talking to a friend about a recent date I had been on and she jokingly told me, “You should write a book.” Maybe not…but I’ll start here.

Get ready to laugh your ass off while asking yourself,

“What the FUCK was she thinking?”

So by now everyone has heard of dating apps like tinder or bumble . And in today’s society it’s a perfectly normal thing to go on these apps looking for a date to…maybe your cousins wedding, or the occasional “relationship” but more often than not, sex!  Well I had always been “anti” dating apps. But a few years ago I caved in and matched on tinder with a guy who used to play for the NFL. (I won’t use his name). We talked for maybe a day…and then decided to meet up for drinks. I was 22. I was going out a lot. I was excited!

Its date night now… And I’m walking up to the bar and I see this HUGE guy standing outside staring at me. I thought, yep thats him. He was as big as a house. Super built. I introduced myself, gave a quick hug and went inside ready for some margaritas. Once we get inside we see that the bar is packed. I guess he was a pretty impatient person and didn’t want to wait in line because he threw a $20 bill at the baretnder hoping it would get us faster service, and the bartender threw it right back at him after saying, “I dont need your fucking $20.” Umm…that was awkward and funny at the same time. This guy really thought he was the shitWe sat down and started talking. Of course I thought it was cool he played for the NFL! But I was also trying to get to know him. It’s about an hour into the date and we’re on our second round of drinks. By this time he’s all over me, kissing me, telling me he can’t wait for me to meet his friends and take me out ,and that I’m so beautiful, and all the normal bullshit someone tells you when they want to sleep with you and never call you again… and it was a bit much for me…but I just kinda rolled with it. So we’re talking and I’m trying to see if we actually have anything in common (I think that’s what you do on a date?) but…he won’t shut the fuck up about himself. So I sat there and drank my margarita while doing the whole “mhm” and “uh-huh” and “Wow that’s so cool!” thing. I was waiting for an opening to say something ,thinking I might be able to get a couple words in but… Nope guess not…ok. Cue the next bar , and next round of margaritas. (Keep in mind I was 119 pounds at this point in my life and he was feeding me doubles all night). We sit down and…He starts talking about himself! Are you surprised? At this point me neither… But it’s really starting to make my fucking head hurt. So I put a finger up and said hold on I’ll be right back…Not sure if I was going to be sick from hearing about how much he loved himself or if it was the tequila..but I was going to be sick. So I get up and go to the bathroom…nope not happening. I go back to sit down and he immediately starts in on himself again…I put another finger up and said hold on I’ll be right back (again). This time I did get sick. And I was pretty sure it was a combination of listening to him basically make love to himself and also too much tequila.

I was gone for less than five minutes. I come back and sit down and he’s not there. (Shoulda seen that coming). So I think, “Maybe he went to go get another drink.” No. “Did he go outside to smoke?” No. So I call and, you guessed it… he doesn’t answer! So I send a text asking where he had gone and he at least had the courtesy to send me a couple of text messages. Here’s what they said…and I kid you not, word for word, ” We had zero connection, YOU DON’T DESERVE ME, bye.” (Uhhhh.. Did I miss something? Wasn’t he just telling me how great he thought I was? Oh , that’s right! He was talking about himself.) So here I am sitting down in a bar by myself wishing I had actually thrown up on him and wondering what I should do now. Thank god I walked out of the bar and ran into my good friend who kindly gave me a ride home. I was pretty pissed. I mean wouldn’t you be? But now I actually laugh when I tell people this story. And if I learned one thing from this experience it would be that no matter what a person does for his or her job, an asshole is an asshole. And sometimes I feel as though I’ve had the pleasure of dating all of them.

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