The Male Stripper.

Ok… Before you continue reading , I have to warn you…This one gets a little crazy.

I met a guy while out running errands one day. He stopped me at the store and started talking to me, he asked me for my number and if I was free sometime. I said, “Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll let you know.” So he did. I texted him later that night and we made plans to go out and have dinner over the weekend. Let me just say, it’s a damn shame that not everyone who looks nice, is nice. I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later though, just how completely fucking insane this guy was.

On the night we were meeting up for dinner I was running a bit late. I never run late. I always make it a point to be on time for everything. I was in an Uber though and we hit traffic and this guy impatiently keeps asking me where I am and when I’m going to be there. He’s starting to annoy the shit out of me and I haven’t even sat down at the fucking table yet. I told him I’d be there soon. He then sends me a text message saying, “I’m wearing IT.” I was pretty sure he was referring to this Rolex he told me about earlier that he had bought for himself. I reply “IT?” He says, “Yeah.” And then sends me a picture of “IT.” (The Rolex.) I replied, “Ohhh cool, be there soon….” Like what is a person actually supposed to say to that?

So I get inside and go sit down at the table with him. He stands up to give me a hug and pulls my chair out for me. (Aww, chivalry isn’t dead.) We almost immediately started talking about work and I told him what I do. Then I asked him what he does. He tells me, ” Yeah so, I’m a stripper.” As soon as he said that, I didn’t think I had heard him correctly. I leaned forward and almost knocked my plate off the table (accidentally) and said , as he looked at me with wide eyes, “Wait, that’s what you do?” He said, “Yeah , a lot of girls aren’t cool with it but you don’t seem like a prude, so…” (Not sure if that’s a compliment or…) I just kind of said “Oh, that’s cool,” or something like that. To be honest I didn’t care because I didn’t really see myself going out with him again. Between the pushy text messages and him showing off his Rolex and also telling me how much it cost, I was pretty turned off. For the remainder of dinner we talked about our interests and work, normal stuff I guess. And then he offered to give me a ride home. I said sure, because who wants to pay twenty dollars for an Uber when you don’t have to. He went to go get his car as I sat and smoked a cigarette while I waited for him. He pulls up in a new Camaro, (go figure) and I put my cigarette out and got in the car.

We started talking about music and I asked him if I could put a song on but he said no. Really? Ok. So then we get on the bridge toward my house and he says, “Ok, time to go fast!” And he just puts the fucking pedal to the metal and hauls ass down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic. We were going like 90. (Sorry mom.) I thought, “Please God, get me home in one piece and I promise to stop dating all these idiots!”

Finally , we get to my building. He walked me up to my apartment and then before he says goodnight he tells me ,”As much as I would love to stay and make love to you, I don’t do that on the first date.” In my head, I wanted to kick his ass out the door and hope he landed on his head outside of my building. But I didn’t. I told him, “Oh that’s ok, me neither…waiting is good…” Then he told me how he doesn’t like to wait too long to have sex and I asked him, “Well, what if you were with someone who wanted to wait?” His response…”Well I’m not with anyone.” (Ok get the fuck out now, bye.) I walked over to the door and he followed me, gave me kiss on the cheek and told me goodnight.

When he texted me about our date I told him that I didn’t see a second date happening, but thanked him and tried to politely excuse myself from the situation. He said that he had such a good time and thought we had a good connection and that it would be a shame if we didn’t give it a second try. I thought he sounded really sincere and agreed to go out with him again, even though it went against my better judgement. I wanted to be nice, and I know sometimes people don’t make great first impressions. Maybe this guy would nail his second one…

For our second date, it was more of a hangout actually ,we were going to go workout and then grab lunch. Fitness was / is really important to me and we had that in common. Then he told me that he was also a personal trainer. Imagine that! I gave him my address and told him to give me about an hour after I got off work so I could go home and shower and clean up and stuff. I had to repeat myself like four times though, and he still didn’t listen. He kept saying that he’d just wait around and hang out with my dog while I showered. Yeah, how about NO. About ten minutes before I got home he texted me to say he was outside and waiting for me. I was starting to get pissed. I went downstairs to let him in my building , I was still in my work uniform. When he saw me he made some sexual comment about how my uniform would be good for foreplay, but I pretended like I didn’t hear it. I told him that I had to shower and when I was done we could go hit the gym. This was so weird for me. I didn’t want some guy I barely knew inside my house while I was naked! I mean what the fuck?! He goes and makes himself comfortable on my couch , he takes his shirt off and lays down. I was so irritated. All I could think was , “This isn’t your house, sit up and put your fucking shirt on.” I should’ve just told him to get out right then and there.

So after I get out of the shower we kind of decided to not go to the gym. We stayed at my place and watched a movie and ordered food instead. Everything about this guy was annoying the hell out of me. ( And I know what you’re thinking, it’s my fault for saying yes to the second date.) I’ll take that. We sit down and start the movie, I put on Bad Santa. It’s pretty funny…But the first time I heard this guy laugh I actually got a little startled. It was so loud and obnoxious , I jumped! The whole taking the shirt off was one thing but as soon as he started laughing I had to get him out of my house. Seriously, that was enough…So I told him that I had plans with a friend and was going to be getting ready to leave soon. He said that was fine because he had somewhere to be as well. We both got up, cleaned up the food and left.

I made a stop at the gas station before heading to my friend’s house and who’s fucking car do I see parked in front of mine? Yep, that’s his car. Are you fucking kidding me? So I pulled my hood over my head and ran inside. (I’m getting pretty good at dodging these assholes.) He didn’t see me. I got back into my car and received a notification from snapchat. I opened it , and it’s a video of him telling me how he’s so into me and can’t wait to see me again and that he’s really “digging” me. I thought ok, this has gone far enough. He clearly did not pick up all the hints I was trying to lay down earlier. I guess being straight forward is better , huh? So I just messaged him back and said that I wasn’t feeling the same way. He sends a reply to my snapchat saying, “Wow, you know it’s not often I seriously consider dating a girl.” I guess that was supposed to make me feel special. All I could say was sorry. Most people just move the fuck on, it had only been two dates anyway.

Now I’m not sure what snapped inside this psycho’s head after that but he starts sending me all these really mean messages on snapchat, because that’s what people do these days when they’re pissed at someone. Take it to the keyboard! He starts calling me all these names and telling me, “Well at least I don’t work for peanuts.” “I’ve dated supermodels, you’re just average compared to them.” Oh and, “You have no ass. This is what a real ass looks like.” (I’m thinking…I know what a real ass looks like, you were just at my house!) And then this crazy motherfucker starts sending me videos on snapchat of him having sex with girls! He just took crazy to a whole new level. Seriously. I actually found his outburst to be pretty entertaining though. A grown man throwing a fit because he didn’t get his way. He was obviously not used to rejection, and it showed. I think men like this are surprised to find that money can’t buy you everything. I finally caught a break in between insults and said, “Are you done yet?” I then told him that he was insane and should probably seek help. It was the craziest thing I had ever experienced from someone I went on TWO DATES with. What a fucking psycho. However after this I have decided to, 1) Always trust my gut and , 2) Not take anyones shit .

People will always have some rude , fucked up or unnecessary thing to say about you, but how you handle it reflects on you. And whatever comes out of their mouth reflects on them. Know your worth.

3 responses to “The Male Stripper.”

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